Covid positive minister fails to abuse restrictions

Labour MP for Bolton South East, Yasmin Qureshi, has been released from hospital after suffering the effects of covid-related pneumonia. The shadow minister for international development was admitted to hospital after following government restriction laws and self-isolating at home for two weeks.

Upon hearing the news, Sir Martin Havering, the Conservative member for West Hawtree, commented: ‘What a monumental non-abuse of privilege.

‘At home with her family, you say? The mind boggles! Obviously we wish the member a full recovery, but wouldn’t that be better achieved hundreds of miles away at a country estate in the Scottish Highlands? Does her constituency not have a rail link to London? Can she not type Barnard?’

‘Frankly, it’s embarrassing. This could not have come at a more inopportune moment, just as the government is finally proving to the world its untrustworthiness and willingness to override the rule of law a member of the opposition acts legally and responsibly.’

‘Matty-boy (Hancock) has been photographed cruising around in his ministerial car without a mask on. Will he be fined two hundred pounds? No! He’s simply fulfilling public expectation.’

‘Also, It’s a jolly inconvenient time to be perceiving northerners in such a positive, responsible light. You might as well write Burnham and his cronies a blank cheque.’

‘The member hasn’t let herself, her party, or her country down. This situation is truly unprecedented.’

‘Naughty boy’ Williamson grounded indefinitely by angry parents

After an exhaustive two-month family inquiry, Gavin Williamson’s Mum has revealed that because of  the ‘terrible shambles’ he made of this Summer’s GCSE and  A-level results, he has been grounded.

‘Quite honestly we’re livid with Gavin. He brought shame upon this family. He’s not been quite so naughty since we found him with an old copy of one of Dad’s H&Es out in the potting shed.’

‘That time he got the slipper, and when I tell you that, following our deliberations yesterday, Dad nearly gave it to him again, then you may guess just how angry we are.’

‘He will now remain in his bedroom. We have confiscated his PlayStation, TV, Pokemon and Warhammer figures too. He is to get no treats or sweeties whatsoever, and he must write a letter of apology to every last one of many thousands of hard-working students whose lives he blighted.’

‘He may get out in time for Christmas, but that will only if he stops making such a colossal arse of himself every time he opens his mouth.’

Nigel Farage to challenge Keir Starmer for Labour leadership

Following his recent statement on free school meals, Nigel Farage has realised that he is actually to the Left of the current Government.

He remains slightly to the Right of Hitler and Genghis Khan.

Mr Farage has decided that he is, therefore, the best person to lead Labour against the Boris Bikes, also known as Her Majesty’s Government.

‘Look, Keir Starmer is quite good at facts but that doesn’t win arguments. I’m the bloke in the pub, the one who should really be England football manager, the person who knows what we need to do with immigrants”, said Mr Farage. “If you want to connect with the British voter then reason and facts are just an impediment.’

‘Obviously, I still believe we should torpedo pedalos in the English Channel. I just draw the line at starving children. If that makes me a leftie, well, so be it.’

Co-operative Bank to become totally un-co-operative by 2015

it's mutualThe Co-operative Bank has made a public admission of past mistakes and has pledged to follow other financial institutions by being as un-co-operative as possible in the future.

‘By the end of this week expect counter staff to mutter fractiously under their breaths, give wrong information and refuse to give small change, with much longer waits for telephone banking by the end of the year,’ said Laker Smythe, the Co-op’s new Chief Executive. He also announced that a growing number of call centre operators will start adopting outrageous fake Indian accents next month, though all the bank’s call centres are currently in the UK. For those waiting to talk to a customer service person, Vivaldi’s Four Seasons will be played by Rochdale Middle School Orchestra, labelled by Ofsted as ‘failing’. In Spring 2014 a recorded voice will tell waiting customers ‘Your call is of waning importance to us.’

‘If we went from here to total unhelpfulness too quickly, there would be a loss of confidence,’ said Smythe. ’The City is keen to hear how quickly the bank will shed its cumbersome image of helpful customer-friendliness. Reforms, aimed at 90% obstreperousness by this time next year, will be introduced slowly in all the Co-op’s operational areas.

‘Expect longer and longer queues in our supermarkets,’ said Mr Smythe. ‘In the new year we’ll introduce a new feature called ‘Unidentified bastard in the bagging area’ which automatically calls a security guard and triggers a random strip search of 5% of those waiting for self-service checkouts. Customers will be expected to pay for any lubricant used.

‘We’re also piloting a gradually worsening unhelpful funeral service, with professionals unable to keep a straight face and increasingly shallow graves. Crematorium temperatures will decrease in line with increasing energy prices. Our ultimate aim is to bring together the banking and funeral operations, with instant live burial and asset seizure for bank customers with unsustainable overdrafts.’

Jacob Rees Mogg reminds everyone to turn their clocks back to the 17th century

Living swordstick, Jacob Rees Mogg, has reminded all fine upstanding British noblemen to command their wives and servants to wind their Grandfather clocks and pocket watches this weekend back to a time when, admittedly, he was just as mocked, but could despatch any impudent sniggering barrow-boys directly by the ear to the bowels of Newgate Prison.

‘Surely, the monocled one opined, ‘In these dark days of displeasing brouhaha, there could be no better tonic than peregrinating hence to a time where we Gentlemen may revel in the Melpomenean delights of Hester Davenport, pop out in the interval to trounce those Caledonian upstarts once and for all, whilst not encumbering the undeserving hoi polloi with footling niceties such as the poor law and habeas corpus this time round.’

Both parliamentarian and ardent Royalist, Rees Mogg admitted to feeling somewhat torn about the impending beheading of Charles I, but was much cheered at the thought of introducing a new scrofula-tax for the urchin classes, and investing profitably in the newly-formed East India Pursue and Purge Consultancy.

‘Verily this great century didst also quail before the great conflagration of London,” he freestyled, thrilling at using what he considers vulgarly modern parlance for the last time. “But as long as we of a civilised intellect ignore the injudicious directions of those witless fire watchmen and follows simple British common sense, I predict a New World-colonising, Empire-exulting result for those of us who matter.’

hat-tip to Mirthless Evil C